In securely attached relationships, partners depend on each other to cope with emotional distress and to meet his/her needs. This person is the one we depend on the most to be there for us.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, it is the negative dance or cycle that causes partners to be pulled apart rather than connect. The first of these "Demon Dialogues" is called, "Find the Bad Guy." In this negative pattern, both partners blame, accuse, and attack the other as a means to protect self.

As the cycle takes over, naming it can help them stop and pay closer attention to the escalation that is occurring between them. Homework for the couple can include composing a drawing that describes the pattern of escalation that happens in their specific cycle.

In Dr. Gottman’s research, he has a similar description of communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Have you ever considered how to determine how good or healthy your marriage is? How do people know if their marriage is healthy or not?