Withdrawers Avoid Fire
In relationship conflicts or distress, Withdrawers seek ways to avoid, escape, or extinguish the fire. This is his/her self protecting coping strategy to turn down the uncomfortable emotions of distress (anger, shame, failure, fear). The more the pursuing partner turns up the heat in a fight, the more the withdrawing partner is likely to move away in order to avoid the fight getting worse.
Withdrawers Turn Away
Withdrawers in relationships often cope with distress independently and more internally on their own. Rather than turning toward their partner with their struggles, Withdrawers tend to prefer managing without “bothering” or involving their partner. This coping strategy can make the pursuing partner feel unwanted, unneeded, and devalued in the relationship.
The partner of the Withdrawer often complains that the withdrawing partner doesn’t share enough or shuts out the Pursuer from his/her world. One partner explains it this way to me: “I so desperately want him to let me into his world but he just shuts me out and tells me, ‘Nothing is wrong. Stop asking me so many questions!’ It seems like he just pushes me away and deals with his problems on his own. Its like I have nothing to give. He doesn’t need me.”
Logic & Reason
The withdrawing partner tries to solve his or her emotional problems using logic and reason. The Withdrawer tries to “fix” distress in the relationship by determining the best solutions or simply by distancing himself/herself emotionally. One withdrawing partner told me in a session, “It doesn’t bother me because I decided it was in the past. I choose to let it go. I just don’t understand why my wife keeps drudging up past stuff.” His partner shared that he only thinks it is in the past but it continues to be a block to her healing and forgiveness.
Withdrawers Stuff Emotions
Jim is a fireman and he takes great pride in his ability to run straight into dangerous situations to help other people in crises. He says, “I don’t let my fear get in the way of my work. I just don’t think about it.” Obviously, that works well in his work as a fireman but doesn’t work well in his intimate relationship with his wife. She feels shut out of his emotional world and feels alone in her marriage. She tries to get Jim to share more about his emotions but he only communicates facts. Jim complains that his wife is trying to change him and he can never make her happy because she wants someone else.
Withdrawers stuff and suppress their emotional experiences and detach from their uncomfortable feelings. They feel lost in conflict because they truly don’t know what their partners need to be happy and can’t figure out why their partner is so angry all the time. Withdrawers don’t recognize their own internal anxiety so they are unable to empathize or hold their partner’s distress, sadness, pain, or especially anger.
Withdrawers Fear Negative Conflict
Because Withdrawers push down their own emotional distress and avoid sharing it with their partner, the buildup can lead to increased negative feelings toward the relationship. They develop a belief that their partner wants something that they can’t provide. Withdrawers feel like they have failed their partners and have great shame that their partners are so unhappy. In my couples counseling sessions, a withdrawing partner sadly stated, “Maybe it would be best if we get a divorce so my wife can find a man that meets her emotional needs. I am just not that man.”
Withdrawer’s Logic
The logic of withdrawers can be understood in their desire to keep the peace in the relationship. They often “give in” rather than fighting. They want their partners to be happy and they work hard at making that a reality. Withdrawers are often seen as “bad” or uncaring, but their goal is intended to save the relationship by avoiding hurtful fighting and restore peace and happiness in their relationship.
The parents of Withdrawers probably were not comfortable with negative emotions and dismissed or discouraged the Withdrawer from sharing vulnerable emotions in childhood. He or she never learned how to navigate or manage negative feelings in healthy or constructive ways. As an adult, the Withdrawer simply stuffs his emotions and has no understanding what to do when his partner shares vulnerable emotions.
Withdrawer’s Fear
Deep down, fear is what moves the Withdraw to wall up, shut down, and pull away. The Withdrawer learned throughout his life to flee situations that causes him pain. His withdrawing response is self-protective and has effectively worked to keep him from further pain. This coping strategy works as a child but doesn’t work well for his current relationship. Partner’s of Withdrawers feel unwanted, alone, and confused. They can feel exhausted trying to get a response from their partner and eventually stop trying.
It is important to understand that withdrawing partners withdraw when they feel emotionally overwhelmed, fearful, and especially emotionally unprepared for what might happen in the future. It is not that Withdrawers don’t care, its that they dreadfully fear the unknown. They just don’t know how to share this fear or know what their partner needs emotionally. It just safer to push away their own emotions, try to outlast their partner’s anger, give in, agree at all cost, and eventually go away if previous strategies fail.
Common Behaviors of Withdrawers
Withdrawers can be found to have certain body postures that mimic a rabbit stiffening up when danger approaches. Here are some of the common behaviors I see of my withdrawing clients in relationship therapy:
Avoiding eye contact
Folding arms
Slouching in his/her chair
Turning his/her body away from partner
Crossing legs
Mumbling or not responding
Not listening when his/her partner is talking
Rolling eyes
Looking annoyed or uninterested
Refusing to share with their partner when therapists asks
Exiting the office
Using words like “always” “never” “none”
Go intellectual when vulnerable emotions arise