Important To Remember
The pressures of this world have a way of stealing the joy of a relationship and causes couples to forget why they fell in love when they first met. In the beginning of the relationship, partners feel loved, accepted, and admired. They are adding to their “love bucket” until it overflows and they are happiest when together. Each partner views the other partner as special and the stress of life isn’t as overwhelming as it was before they met. They anticipate seeing each other every day and hold a special place in their hearts when apart .
Forgotten Love
Often, the first year of a relationship can be remembered as being “silly”. But those times are filled with wonderful memories and emotions that were very real and anything but silly. In my couples counseling practice, who have had years of conflict and distress in their relationship, they seem to have forgotten or lost those feelings. Those positive memories are replaced by resentment, hurt, sadness, and hopelessness.
Falling In Love…Again
As the couple works to grow closer to each other emotionally, they often re-discover why they fell in love in the first place. In my work with couples, each hears the pain and hurt of the other and I help both respond with empathy. Healing happens when each owns how they have taken the other for granted and have fallen into a pattern of fight or flight: the trap of anger, rage, arguing, conflict, and hurting each other.
In the early days of the relationship, both partners felt like they mattered to the other. In my couples sessions, I hear painful statements like, “He doesn’t listen to me anymore.” “I feel like she doesn’t even like being around me.” “He treats me like an employee…my value is in taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, or making dinner. But he doesn’t show interest in me anymore.” “I can’t get anything right…she just isn’t happy with me.
The Cycle Is The Problem
The list of statements of hurt and pain can go on forever but the underlying message is the same: “I want to matter and be wanted by my partner.” The real problem is not the other but rather the dance or pattern that has overtaken your relationship. You both are responsible for getting into the cycle so you both can work to get out of it and change it!
Are you in a relationship where you find yourself identifying with many of the above statements? If so, I encourage you to call our main office and setup a couples counseling session with me, Kevin Leapley. I will help guide you and your partner into stopping the negative hurtful patterns in your relationship and start new positive loving patterns so you both can feel the love you had in the beginning.