Give Your Cycle A Name
When I work with couples using emotionally focused therapy (EFT), I often ask them to give their cycle a name. I want the couple to reference their negative cycle as "the enemy," "a dance of fear," "a vicious pattern," or "a broken mirror." I am hoping that naming the cycle will help the couple better know when their destruction loop has begun.
As the cycle takes over, naming it can help them stop and pay closer attention to the escalation that is occurring between them. Homework for the couple can include composing a drawing that describes the pattern of escalation that happens in their specific cycle.
Draw Out Your Cycle
This drawing of the negative dance can simply be done on a piece of paper with a line down the middle. On one side of the line represents one partner's pattern and the other side is the other partner's pattern. To begin, the couple can think about a typical argument they get stuck in.
Both partners work together to map out how the argument begins, what one partner does and what the other partner sees or experiences when the cycle is up and running. What are the dance steps, what is each partner's interpretation of the meaning, and what does each partner do.
The couple will need to be somewhat detached from the work in order not to get defensive and enter into a cycle as they do this work. Each partner must write down their own responses rather than the other partner's. It is vital that they work as a team and speak only for himself/herself in describing his/her own experience. Resist the temptation to fill in the other partner's side of the page.
Know & Understand Your Dance Steps
The goal of the exercise includes thinking about how each partner's steps affect the other partner's response. Just like a dance. If one partner gets angry and yells...how that impacts the other partner to shutdown and withdraw by going quiet. When that partner goes quiet, how the other partner may get louder and/or more frustrated and angry.
Cycle Example
An example of the couples' work may include something like, "When I see you get angry and yell, I find myself thinking to myself that I have somehow disappointed you and rather than getting angry back and making things worse, I cross my arms and shutdown. My wall goes up and I pull away emotionally from you. I think to myself, 'I can never make her happy. She is so hard to please. Her standards are too high.'"
The other side of the line on the piece of paper may read, "I just want you to hear and understand what I am trying to tell you. I get so frustrated and angry when I see you put up your wall and pull away. It tells me that you don't care about me and that I don't matter to you. I either get louder to make you hear me or I go away feeling more frustrated and alone."
Review Cycle As Team Members
The final step for the couple is to review their finished work together. Have they captured the essence of their cycle? Do each partner feel satisfied that it represents the familiar battle of their disconnection? My hope for the couple is that they get a sense of the dance moves and how the cycle is the enemy rather than each other.
I want both partners to deeply understand how they can have different experiences in the same stuck place. I also ask couples to then name their negative cycle to help them talk about it the next time it takes over. When they can see their pattern together, they can face their cycle together...as a team rather than as adversaries.
Begin Couples Counseling
Does it feel like the love and deep connection that you once had in your relationship has been replaced by anger, blame, hurt, and painful fighting? Do you ever fear that your partner no longer loves you or likes you, is not concerned with your feelings or needs, or would rather being doing anything other than spending time with you? Are you both at a place where it seems like divorce is being considered rather than continuing the painful dance? If you answer 'yes' to any of the above questions, I encourage you to seek out couples counseling with a therapist trained in emotionally focused therapy.
Hope Counseling of Round Rock Texas
At Hope Counseling of Round Rock, all our counselors use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples work. Studies show that EFT is the most effective way for couples to work through painful issues and find closeness again. EFT is based on the now proven fact that a strong and loving emotional connection is as basic a human need as food, shelter and sex; and that conflict with an intimate partner can trigger our deepest wounds and make us depressed and anxious.
All our couples therapist are able to help you develop a better understanding of your feelings and how they impact the way you relate with your partner. We can help guide you down a path of connection and help you move toward each other, rather than away. Call our counseling center today at 512-856-6360 or fill out our contact form and a counselor will contact you within 24-hours.