Attachment Theory: Relationship Counseling
Our culture often teaches that “healthy” relationships require partners to become independent of each other and a kind of selfless sacrifice that is more about giving rather than needing or getting.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the attachment view of relationship is radically different from the cultures idea that mature love means being independent and self-sufficient. Instead, EFT prefers the idea of “effective dependency,” which means partners can turn to each other for emotional support as a source of strength rather than weakness.
Insecure Relationships = Anxious Angry Avoidance
Research has indicated that adults need emotional closeness from their lover, want assurance that their partner will respond when they are distressed, and they are more confident to take risks in the world when they know that their lover has his or her back. Susan Johnson writes, “When lovers feel insecure with their partner, they either come anxious, angry, and controlling, or they avoid contact altogether and stay distant.”
The conclusion of this research is a sense of secure connection between committed partners is a foundation in establishing loving relationships and a powerful source of strength for the individuals in that relationship. Basically, when we feel safe and secure in our primary relationship and can depend on our partner, we are much better and both seeking and giving support.
Secure Couples = More Forgiving
Susan Johnson writes, “When we feel safely linked to our partners, we more easily roll with the hurts they inevitably inflict, and we are less likely to be aggressively hostile when we get mad at them.” Secure couples are much more comfortable with ambiguity. This means that the more confident that a partner feels in reaching out to the other partner, the more separate and independent he/she can be.
Begin Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
Are you wanting to feel more secure and confident in your relationship to a spouse or partner? Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples helps to identify the negative pattern in the relationship that keeps both partners apart and disconnected. I encourage you to contact me for a consultation regarding your relationship and how EFT can change the direction of your relationship.